A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
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Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
😭😭
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*