Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting

Me: Knock knock.

Psychic: Ha! Good one.

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

[at the zoo]

HER: look at that leopard

ME: beautiful

HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?

ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen

I am having an out of money experience.

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

My good tweets are in my other pants.

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

If I had a dollar for every time a first-time pregnant woman looked me in the face and told me she could tell that her baby was gonna have a “chill personality,” I could buy you a Subway™️ sandwich. Not one of the cheap ones either, one of the limited series.

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

Them: You’ve changed.

Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho