A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
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My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
i want it utterly assaulted.
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.