Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?

H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

“A puppy.”

“Pick something else.”

“A different puppy.”

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??

ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.

me: oh good what is it.

ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.

me: haha whoops.

Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices

two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.

Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”

Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars

Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes