A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
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“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.