A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
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I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
You watch one pimple popping video, and suddenly the algorithm thinks you have a new hobby.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
🧠
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky