A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
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being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.