A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
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one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol