Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

In current news:

US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.

Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.

Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.

Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.

Shout out to my kids.

BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.

me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]

10: this is nice dad

me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.

10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?

me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]

One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.

Anyway he didn’t call.

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?

[A few hours later]

Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

What’s your favorite position?

Me: sleeping

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food