A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

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A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.

The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.


If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.


Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you


Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.


If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.


Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.


He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.


Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief


My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes


[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans