A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
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By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
This is why I hate group projects
When I said I liked it rough.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
me refusing to leave twitter
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home