@theDanLawler

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

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@iGreenGod

A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.

The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.

@myonlymizztake

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

@TheBoydP

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

@GrumpyComments

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

@OpenClassMX

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

@sharpular

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

@felixoshea

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

@P1ssed_K1d

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

@Skullcat

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

@rockymomax

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans