Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s a good costume, I hope.

fireworks, because firehasbillstopay

The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.

Donut: ….

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you

When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.

Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.

me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It

Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose