Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?

Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas

Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame

CEO: I like it

When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!

Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.

Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement

GF: I sent you a dozen roses

Me: oh

GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.

Me: I need one washer for the sink

Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces

4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?

Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.

4: Mom’s not home.

Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

did it work

Deer are just ballerina dogs

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them

No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?