A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
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The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?