Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.

If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*

😂🤣😂🤣

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!

Me: suddenly now you can do math

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”

“That’s only for narcs.”

“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.

What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

This made me chuckle.

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism