A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
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Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Still my favorite headline of all time:
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Icarus loved hot wings.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
based al yankovic
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101