Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”

Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Just kidding. He totally threw up.

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”

Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

no!! no!!!!!!

Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.

*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*

“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”