Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.

I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.

Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂

Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.