A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
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Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
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Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
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Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
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Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?