A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Me: The 100th day of school is coming up so you have to dress like you’re 100.
Daughter: Ok. Do you mind if I borrow something?
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
A warm tortilla will open up your pores nicely. Don’t ask me how I know this.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
