A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
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Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires