A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
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My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
A family that plays together cheats.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
Punctuation Matters. Period.
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”