a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
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i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
the greatest twitter interaction
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong