a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
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My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine
I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”