a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
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i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
fourth time’s the charm
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.