a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
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I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything