a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
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catch me on valentine’s day like
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Employees must applaud the planets.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Shark week, but for squirrels.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair