A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
You Might Also Like
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.