A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
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tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
“Bartender, there’s a hair on my ice cube!”
“You should have asked for shaved ice.”
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.