A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
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Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
How high do the levels go?
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you