A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
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Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Bit chilly again tonight.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*