A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
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If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
wtf is a larm clock?
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?