A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
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science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
My plans: 2020:
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”