Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
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BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.