Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon

Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”

[speed dating]

date: what’s your biggest turn on?

me: wind turbines

date: ah i’m not a big fan

me: next

With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

[at a store]

Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?

*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*

Clerk: Well, they’re polarized

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.

I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

Day 1 of diet:

forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now