A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
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Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Bill is short for Billiam
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Easy enough.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.