Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.

I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.

*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*

From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.

Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish

so this horse walks into a bar

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

Just as the prophecy foretold

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

How many calories are in Twitter beef?

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me