A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
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Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
men, we mow at sunrise.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]