Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?

parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.

IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?

A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.

Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one

I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Because they have such big fingers.

Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.