A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
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[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .