Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work

The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.

Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?

Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

“We’re taking it to another level.”

-escalators

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.

Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.

Librarian: Nice try, pal.

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?

best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool