A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
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Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!