A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
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Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️