A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

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I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.


Went off roading with my prius but ended up getting stuck on a bonsai tree in neighbor’s front yard


My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”


I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…

*slides deodorant across the table*


Counselor: Why do you resent your wife

Me: She made me get out of line for Springsteen tix

C: Why

M: Something about her water breaking


Mufasa means King. So their parents literally named their sons King and Garbage. No wonder Scar wanted everyone dead.


Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things


Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”


Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.


wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife *lets her in*