@GrahamKritzer

A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

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@JElvisWeinstein

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

@shwebby3

Went off roading with my prius but ended up getting stuck on a bonsai tree in neighbor’s front yard

@ScaryMommy

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

@AimeeHelene1

I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…

*slides deodorant across the table*

@gruffybeard

Counselor: Why do you resent your wife

Me: She made me get out of line for Springsteen tix

C: Why

M: Something about her water breaking

@IncrediblyRich

Mufasa means King. So their parents literally named their sons King and Garbage. No wonder Scar wanted everyone dead.

@CArmanthegirl

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

@HomeWithPeanut

Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”

@Muaythaigirlie

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.

@iwearaonesie

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*