Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD

Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

Magician: Pick a card, any car…

Me: Charizard

Magician: no, like a normal card

Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?

Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.

Me: Why, do you hear laughter?

No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools