A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
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5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
just witnessed a drug deal
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.