A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
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[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
they really do be looking like this
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.