Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…

Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

Donkey Kong sommelier

“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”

Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*

NINE MONTHS LATER

*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes

Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.

I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day

Me: … No worries!

Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

Look, a pure bread cat!

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.

A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.

Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.

Lesson: Do not ask me for advice

If a snake ate a cake

I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself

Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.

– Respirational Tweet

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE