A couple who are silly together stay together.
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“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
i wonder why they stopped looking
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*