A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
This a good idea
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
