A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
🖤✌🏽
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
