Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes

I wonder what happens when you stop chasing waterfalls and the waterfalls start chasing you?

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.

don’t message me unless you have this energy

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…

HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?

barista calling out order: Gee Off

Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago

barista: nice try, Gee Off

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

Kidnapper: We have your wife.

Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑