A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?