A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
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Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
new wife guy just dropped
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.