@shutupmikeginn

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

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@YourMomsucksTho

Marriage is fun because i asked my husband to please fix the sink and he started talking about how he should add a floor over the living room because it’s wasted space, then watched DIY on house flipping and said he could do that, then took a nap and the sink is still broken.

@BangMyBongo

Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…

She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites

@stephenjmolloy

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

@charliedelta7

In case of a zombie apocalypse, I’m surrounding my house with treadmills.

@StellaRtwot

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

@1Bad_Scientist

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

@jergarl

Me: I love you with my hole heart.

Wife: Wrong hole.

@elle91

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
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