A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
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This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Kids, do not try this at home!
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.