A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
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Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
pls suprot
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Fat chances are my favorite chances
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
I love the National Park Service.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.