Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

“Damn girl, you look hot”

Really?

“Like a sexy little italian car”

DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs

We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos