A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
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My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.