A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
You Might Also Like
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me