Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?

Friend: You mean my wedding?

Me: Yeah, sure!

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: can I give some feedback?

me: what did I just say

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.

My humor is broken

We currently live in a house with one bathroom.

Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.