A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
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Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
This is so wrong 😂
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.