Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

[gym]

me: please wipe that down when you’re done

guy at urinal: what

landlord: i’m raising your rent

me: am i getting more house

My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

me: hey can I read that recipe

internet: here’s a video of how to make it

me: can I just read it

internet: WATCH THE VIDEO

gender is a sprctrum

[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]

*breaks wind*

Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.

how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.

mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

peak technology

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

every olympics i turn into this guy

ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it

One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?

Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?

restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.

you will never know the true number of layers

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.