Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

A friend’s old roommate handmade guitars from Canadian maple with hand cut mother of pearl inlays. He showed me several works in progress and how many hours it took for each step. Truly a labor of love. I learned that day that if you follow your passion, you can bore anyone.

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.

banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!

those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz

“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”

*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.

Walt Disney:

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.

You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10

My AI girlfriend ran off with my imaginary best friend. I’m gutted – I really miss him.

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.

Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no

me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks