Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.

BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

[diner]

ME: I’ll have the eggs, please

WAITER: how would you like those?

ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.

stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.

Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.

Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!

Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”

Lie.

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.

. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?

-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.

I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.