A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
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A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.