Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

Its true…

Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.

If you need me, I’ll be in the closet

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.

Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

[first day as doctor]

ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news

PATIENT: what is it

ME: I amputated the wrong hand

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.

[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”

Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy

Herpes is trending, good job people

😆

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.

starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time