Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”

The fall of Netflix

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.

Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her:

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready