A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
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My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
All. The. Damn. Time.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store