A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)
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JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I want what they have
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs