A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)
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Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.