A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)
You Might Also Like
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor: