A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
You Might Also Like
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
this site is so cooked lol
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with