Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

accurate

Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?

clerk: going camping?

me: no

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still